Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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