I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
