I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
