What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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