You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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