Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
