drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
