i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
