watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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