there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
