I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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