I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
