So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
