Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
