She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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