Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
