I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
