she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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