I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
