New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
