I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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