You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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