I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
