The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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