two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
