Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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