can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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