just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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