Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
