when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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