I only kidnapped one of them. chill
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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