he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I party with great urgency now.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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