is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
