i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
