I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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