the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
