Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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