i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
