Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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