I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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