fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
