the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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