So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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