I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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