dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
