Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
