how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
