You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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