so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
