I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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