so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
did i walk over a car last night?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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