I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have feelings that need drinking.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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