Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
