i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
